Rants and Deep Talks: Motivation

I spend a lot of my time thinking, it can be about anything, my future, the world's future, what other ways at the end of Endgame could have prevented Iron Man's death, Yaddah Yaddah Yaddah. 

From time to time I like to play philosopher, mostly about myself, I am self absorbed that way. This time might have been a result of watching 3 seasons of The Good Place in 3 days, maybe not, who is to tell?

To be honest, I'd make a great philosopher, maybe I'll take a philosophy class in college, who is going to stop me? Well maybe my parents, but again they'd only be able to try.

Getting off topic, motivation. That is what made me want to write something other than a story after so long. Most of the things I have done in my life I have had only 1 of 2 motivations, either I have wanted to do it or I have had no other choice, because of either someone else or because I cornered myself into that position.

In the past 2 years I have been trying to find a motivation for something, I won't say what it is, because it will take away from the profoundness of this piece.

Initially my quest for  motivation led me to practicality, now while practicality is for most people the perfect reason to do something for me it really isn't, doesn't make sense to me which is weird because it is based on logic. I won't say it has always served me well, my tendency to not be practical, there is a reason why I weigh 130 kgs.(I also am 6'3 so hold your horses).

It didn't work out, I knew it was the right thing to do, but the fact that maybe my logic in my practicality was wrong kept worrying me, also my intuition kept telling me to reevaluate it. So I did.

How did I do it? I tried to find something I am attracted to in it. Maybe I'll find the task attractive or what it will lead me to attractive. Tried 1000 times, almost convinced myself, but that intuition kept knocking, what if I was wrong, I can't risk it, I can't put my faith in an idea, I might hate later. I have taken risks before yes, but this was more than that, this was in a way deciding who I wanted to be. I even tried to convince myself it was my duty? That was stupid.

Somewhere I felt, everything I'd do 10 years in the future it'll always be influenced by the motivation, I have today.

It was a life changing decision, not in the way you'd think, it is just that I was making this decision during a time when I had the least idea of what made me  myself and  this idea I was going to plant in my head would take root and form who I was going to be. 

I had to make a t-shirt I'd like, I just didn't know what threads to use.

So I kept thinking, switching between motivations, swiping away ideas, I spent more time than I'd like to admit. One day, I sat on my sofa, alone in my home, holding an imaginary glass of red wine. and I asked myself one question Why have I stuck with this? I have quit things before, I am not really a "see it to the end" kind of person, what has prevented me, what have I convinced myself of?

You see I know the reason now, my true motivation of why I stuck by this torturous thing for so long and also what I had convinced myself of that prevented me of seeing it. Believe me the night I realized this was just epiphany after epiphany, almost wished they were orgasms.

Okay, this is going to get cheesy now.

I have always done the bare minimum, I am not someone who ever went over unless I was really really enjoying the task, I did enough to check it of my list because on most days I didn't care about those stuff and because of this on most occasions, I'd leave my parents sub-proud, they'd be happy but they knew I could do more, achieve the next level. They spared my feelings but I knew what they felt and other times they didn't. What I am trying to achieve, what I have not mentioned all this blog is actually my last chance to make my parents proud, not of my abilities or my potential but because of something they wanted me to achieve that I did achieve.

The reason why this is the last time because the kind of life I want to lead doesn't match the one they want me to lead and I can't compromise on that, so they will have to come around this time unfortunately.

It's like I have the trigger of a gun in my hand, the bullet can go anywhere and on the other side are my parents, I don't know when I press the trigger, where the bullet will go, whether I'll lose them forever or just hurt them a little, all I know is that no matter the aftermath this is the last time things will not be different.

So yeah my motivation to do this is that I want to do something for my parents once in my life, before it all goes to shit. What level of shit? I don't know.

Now, what prevented me from realizing this soon, took 1.5 years of my life and I am only 18, so that is actually a pretty huge chunk of my life.

You see I have also been very lonely, I have always felt like the odd one out but from 2019 to 2020, it was more than that, I don't know how to explain it but most of you probably have felt the same way

Best way to cope with loneliness? Convince yourself you don't need anyone else because it is okay being lonely when you're a lone wolf and how to see that your motivation comes from others when you have no one around you or so you think.

In retrospect, it all makes sense, but past 2 years horribleness on their own and add depression and anxiety to it and this becomes an unattainable epiphany.

So I don't know if this will help any of the readers realize their motivation if they need to, to be honest I am one of the few people in existence who will obsess over something like this, but I'd just say rather than convincing yourself of something that others have fed you, look for it within and look for it around you, you'll just know it when you find it.